Lost Ones
by Honeycreeper
Summary: Sirius and Severus have lost many things; their youth, their innocence and the people they held most dear. In their loss, the rivals find common ground. Implied SSLE, SBJP


disclaimer : i own nothing

**Lost Ones**

Two men sat in front of a dim fire place, watching the embers spark and fly. They were silent but content for the moment, both their minds filled with a flurry of dark thoughts. A lifetime of disappointment nagged at both of them, and instead of hoping for lives of great fortune or fame they both wished they could live a truly normal life once more. Being together for the first time in many years brought all those bitter feelings to the surface.

Sirius took a sip of his drink, his eyes focused on the fire as he began to speak to the fellow next to him. "Aren't you scared?"

Severus shook his head. "I haven't felt true fear in many years. I'm almost too exhausted to feel it."

Nervously Sirius laughed, "Well, I wish I was more like you then. I've been on high alert for too long."

"You're safe for now." Severus said, resting back on his elbows. He sighed heavily, his eyelids heavy as the night wore on. Even though his instincts had told him not to come, he'd came to this place when Sirius beckoned him. The message was of course delivered through Dumbledore, who'd not given him a choice in the matter. In fact Dumbledore had just come to Snape's quarters in the dungeons, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Sirius wants to talk to you. You leave tonight."

Severus had to wonder what kind of fool would let two enemies meet alone, yet Sirius didn't want to fight. He'd fed Severus and they'd sat awkwardly together, wondering what to discuss of their pathetic adult lives.

"I want to apologize for everything." Sirius said, his voice genuine, "I was wrong. So wrong." Snape didn't know if he should believe it. After their apologies to one another they'd moved to the living room for drinks, finding themselves on the ground.

"I guess you're wondering why I invited you here."

Severus shrugged, "I have my theories."

"Really though, I wanted to ask you a question. A personal question."

"And what would that be Mr. Black?"

Sirius hesitated, frowning, and shook his head.

"Well blurt it out, man."

"Did you... I mean - Lily. You felt something for her, right?"

Severus stiffened, shifting uncomfortably, "Was it so obvious?"

Sirius smiled then, "Like writing on the wall." he laughed, "I was rooting for you, Severus."

"Why is that?"

The smile on Sirius' face faded, his brows furrowed. "Because I don't believe James was a good match for her."

Snape rolled his eyes, "Whatever you say. Was that all you brought me here for?"

"No! What I mean is - how do you do it? You know, go about your normal life, without thinking of her?"

"I do think about her quite a bit. Almost every day." Severus said. Even now, fourteen years on, he could still see her limp lifeless body in the recesses of his mind. It sent shivers down his spine.

Sirius paused, scanning Snape to see if he was being honest.

"But how do you not hate yourself?" Sirius suddenly said, an earnest look on his face

Severus huffed, "What is that supposed to mean? Now you listen, what I do and what I feel about it is none of your business. That was ages ago, Sirius, and your little second year games aren't amusing anymore."

The look on Black's face changed and he seemed to panic. "Please Severus!" Sirius said, grabbing him hard on the upper arm, "I have no one else to talk to. Not even Remus. I feel like I'm all alone in this." he said, his head dropping.

Suddenly Severus' stomach turned, the wheels in his head spinning, wondering if perhaps Sirius had harbored similarly romantic thoughts towards Lily. He sickened thinking about that filthy dog's hands all over her. Sirius wasn't fit to lick the dirt from her feet.

"No, I'm leaving." Severus got up as quick as he could, wrenching the other man's hand off his arm, "It was a mistake coming here."

Sirius fell to the floor and let out a shriek, "You bastard! We're the same, you and I, and you won't even let me speak!"

"The same? Oh yes, I would send an innocent man to his death at the fangs of a werewolf to laugh about it. You've got a lot of nerve, Black. You just brought me here to tell me about Lily didn't you? How you loved her behind James' back. You're a pitiful excuse for a man."

"Lily?" Sirius said indignantly, "She was like my sister! It's not Lily, you imbecile! It's James!"

Severus almost laughed. He knew Sirius had been perhaps a bit effeminate, but this?

"James? Oh Merlin, you've got worse taste than I thought, Black."

His comment was followed by silence. _He can't be serious?_ Severus thought. He turned to see the animagus still on the ground, his hands over his eyes. Sirius didn't move, but his chest heaved up and down as he held a sob in. He wasn't lying and he wasn't joking, as Snape had previously thought. Severus sighed, and sat down next to Sirius, watching him intently. Deep down he was sorry to see the man in so much pain, mostly because he knew exactly how it felt.

"If you want to know how I got through these years, I'm not sure what to tell you." Severus said quietly, "My life didn't have any meaning those first few months. There were many days I wanted to end it. I thought maybe I could make one of those potions that do it fast, without pain, without a trace. The coward's way out. I wouldn't have to think anymore. Every beautiful moment in my life, like a song or a sunrise became an assault to me, because I knew I could never share these things with her. "

Sirius nodded, taking his hands away from his face. "In Azkaban, I didn't have the luxury of thinking. Now I do, and all I think of is what I could've done. What could've been."

There were tears running down his face. Severus was unsure of what to do. Sirius Black never cried, at least not in the times Snape had seen him, and it was strange to see this new man in place of the spunky teenager. Sirius had changed for the worst. His skin was gray and thin, and he was so slim his bones stuck out everywhere. In the year since he'd been freed he still hadn't put on any weight or muscle. Snape felt he was looking at a stranger, a hard life had shattered Sirius and the pieces that were sewn back together were monstrous and disfiguring. His body didn't hide the scars of time, and every time he looked at himself it was a reminder of the past. If it had been Severus in his shoes, he knew he wouldn't be able to take it.

"I know it's in you, Black." Snape sighed, "You're a stronger man than I, after all. I don't think I would've lasted all that time in Azkaban."

"Then how did you do it all these years?" Sirius asked, "How did you make it alone?"

Severus shrugged, "I started to live _for_ her. Since she couldn't be there with me, I began to see for her, to hear for her, to taste for her. You should do the same thing. Besides, we're doing the most important work for them."

"What's that?"

"Protecting their child."

Sirius nodded. Severus continued, "As much wrong as I've done in life, I can do this for her in death."

Black smiled then, "At least we have that in common. Thank you, Severus."

There were two common denominators in their lives now - isolation and grief. A part of Severus felt a malicious joy that finally the indestructible Black had his comeuppance. Now he would know what it was like! That feeling faded away though when he looked in Sirius' big grey eyes, red and swollen, sadness lingering there. The kind of sadness that stemmed from a guilt that would never leave as long as he lived. Snape wouldn't wish that on his worst enemy, and Sirius was as close to that as one could get.

"I just miss him. I miss both of them." Sirius continued, sitting upright. "What hurts most is knowing I'll never see them again."

"Maybe one day," Severus said. Though he didn't believe in any sort of afterlife he wanted to believe maybe one day he would be with Lily again.

"I'm glad you're alive." Sirius said, smiling.

"Why is that?"

"Because I could make things right before we both died. Closure, you know?" he said sadly.

Severus nodded. He was surprised then when Black moved forward, putting his arms around him. Severus stiffened, somewhat shocked by the outburst, but his arm reached out to pat Sirius on the back. It felt strangely right.

In this moment the two men were happy to have each other - to be alive. Deep down, they both knew that neither would survive this war. For a small moment in time all was right in the world as the enemies embraced.

A/N : I always wanted to see Severus make amends with the Marauder crew, so there it is. Thanks for reading.


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